Lately Old College Boyfriend has been creeping into my thoughts. And this causes me to wonder how he’s doing and if I ever run through his mind.
The last time I saw Old College Boyfriend I was wrapping up my divorce. We met for dinner and laughed about old times and reminisced about a previous life. During the laughing and reminiscing he casually mentioned he was seeing someone. So casually that it didn’t occur to me to take much stock in this new girly-friend. So I didn’t. Especially since Old College Boyfriend and I were having such a great time, and to me it made perfect, logical sense for us to get back together.
Well. We didn’t.
The days following the dinner-where-everything-was-perfect, were spent with me anxiously awaiting his call. I was expecting him to want to see me again and discuss our future.
Well. He didn’t.
So. Being the rational and level-headed person that I always I am, I started doing some research. Online research. And in the months that followed I uncovered considerable information on this now not so casual girly-friend. And then I found the wedding registry.
This was not part of the plan. And this certainly was not discussed over our little dinner where everything was perfect. Perfect with us.
I was pissed. I felt misled. I wanted revenge.
And there it was in the middle of the registry with the bath towels and soap dispensers. The not so casual girly-friend registered for a toilet plunger. Because nothing screams wedded bliss more than being reminded of stinky bathrooms and clogged toilets.
So I bought the plunger off the registry and had it mailed to me. Because before I sent it on I wanted to add a little note.
Dear Old College Boyfriend,
Please accept this gift as a token of my congratulations to you on your engagement. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of it since you’re full of so much shit.
Lots of love,
The most craptastic engagement gift of all time was signed, sealed and delivered.
Of course he called. This was not a gift to be ignored. We chatted. He apologized. I accepted. Then we laughed and I sincerely wished him well.
So now at times when I let my mind wander and remember him and the time he taught me how to drive a tractor or how graceful he was on the court, I am then reminded of The Gift, and how he probably only thinks of me when he stinks up the bathroom and clogs up the toilet.
Well played? Probably not. Either way it makes for a good story. Life can be shitty and it’s important to laugh about it when you can. So let this be a lesson to choose off the giant registry of life wisely. And to open gifts from me with caution.